He who laughs last…………(05.05.10)

Posted: 18/10/2010 in ravings of a mad woman

The End of Days, the apocalypse, “Damn it we’re all gonna die!” Whatever you choose to call it we all know it’s going to happen one day. Quite when and even how are still matters of great debate. Some say it’s going to come in the form of natural disasters occurring simultaneously all over the world in 2012 (in which case London, you nearly bankrupted the nation for nothing!), some say it’ll be cause by the death of the sun (and no, we won’t be able to send Mr. Cillian Murphy to try to kick-start it again, that was just a film!). Some suggest we’ll go the way of dinosaurs and be wiped out a mahusive rock falling from the skies – well obviously not those crazy people who think dinosaurs weren’t real and that fossils are just God’s way of “having a laugh”. Most people would tend to believe that it will come by our own hands, either near extinction from a new Ice Age caused by Global Warming (although again, there are some rather deluded people out there who think that’s not real either and is just some sort of propaganda) or even nuclear devastation brought about by either all out war (and we all know the two nations that would be responsible for that!) or even by the mere stupidity of the itchy trigger fingered ass monkey left in charge of the big red button.
Personally, I’d rather think that it’ll come in a form slightly more whimsical than all of those, in a way that will put Darwin’s “Survival of the fittest” theory to the test. Now I know I’m not exactly in the ‘fittest’ category but I am smart and I watch a lot of movies. My personal preference for the destruction of man would be some sort of zombie apocalypse. Luckily, from what I have learned from George A Romero’s COUNTLESS ‘……of the dead’ films, zombies aren’t exactly quick on their feet, so the fact that neither am I doesn’t really matter all that much. What I feel gives me the edge is the fact that I have a shed load of guns. Now I mean that almost very literally. Combined, my family own a reasonably silly amount of weapons (not quite the crazy couple from ‘Tremors’ silly, but not all that far off to be honest!) and a garage full of the where-with-all to make my own ammunition. The ‘Dude’ and I have already planned out our ‘Zombie Apocalypse Survival Strategy’. Sorry Daddy, but should the news break of the approaching zombie hoards and our own impending doom, we’re straight off to my house to tool up! Secondly it’s off to some big supermarket (not naming any names there!) to stock up on all the essentials: Fags, booze (we a girl’s gotta chill in the face of death), first aid supplies, food, and water, plenty of fuel and of course cake! Oh, and Redbull. The ‘Dude’ suggested the 35p cheap ass substitute until I reminded him that not only would money be obsolete in a crumbling society, but we’re tooled up to the max with a range of different firearms! Come on, we’re not exactly on a budget here! Of course we’d take a stash of heavy metal CD’s to supply our own soundtrack and a list of witty one liners for added dramatic effect upon taking out the odd zombie with our insane sniper skills. For example (don’t think I’m giving you the real ones here mind!) beating one with a surfboard and saying “Surf’s up pal” or Arnies old favourite, staking one to a wall with a big ass knife and saying “Stick around”- obviously in a silly accent. We’ll need toothpicks to chew on as well so we can look super cool whilst we kick some zombie ass.
With all our supplies sorted it’s off to find a suitable place to call home. Obviously we don’t want to be anywhere too exposed to attack, but we don’t want to be totally out in the middle of nowhere either. We need to keep some element of sport in our survival. We’re not just going to run away and hide out until we die of boredom or simply go mad and end up killing each other due to a combination of the stress of the situation and a kind of zombie related cabin fever. We don’t want to be somewhere with too many windows either. As we all know by now, zombies can get through boarded up windows and doors, all be it slowly, but we know they’ll get through eventually! Now some people might argue over this next point: Exits. Too many is obviously a very bad idea, but is there such as thing as too few? Of course the optimal exit strategy would be two exits, on opposite sides of the room. The problem I can see with this is that there is only two of us, so we’ll be spending all our time watching one each (I know I flip out about little things, but I can usually chill through the big things pretty well, and I’m not saying that this zombie infested world is going to be all fun and games but I’d like to be able to have a laugh from time to time!). Granted if one is stormed (not sure zombies can organise themselves into a full on army and strategically take out one of our exits and thus back us out the other where they will lie in wait) and we can’t fight them off, we can escape through the back door. I believe the ‘One Exit Strategy’ is the best. We can take it in turns to keep watch and, most importantly, only one zombie can make it through the doorway at a time, giving us plenty of time to take them out and thus causing a kind of zombie corpse plug in the door. Plus I know how to make simple explosives (god bless my geeky love of chemistry!) so we can always clear a path out at a later date!
Would be take in other survivors? Only as long as they bring something to the table of course, and never forget, I wouldn’t think twice about shooting you in the face should the situation call for it. Sorry, the ‘Dude’ often points out that I can get a little harsh at times. Oh yeah, to a chemists to pick up all necessary vitamins and supplements to keep us in tip-top zombie fighting condition. We’ll try and grown our own fresh produce of course but I’m sure I’ll just forget about them or just get bored after week or two. We all know how short my attention span is and combining that with the fact that I’m just too impatient for my own good means I ain’t never gonna be no farmer!
We’ll need a helicopter of course, but the chances of being able to find a pilot to put in it who is still in control of all his (or her) faculties are quite possibly slim to none, but come on, how hard can it be?! Ok, so very hard of course, but I’m a damn fast learner and if there’s a horde of hungry, undead, human flesh eaters heading my way I’m sure I’ll figure it out pretty quickly!
To be fair I actually almost relish the idea of a world where cash is obsolete and I can take what I want because I have the biggest gun, where there is no more cheesy pop music, no annoying T4 presenters with their silly floppy hair and rubbish dress sense and no Justin Beiber! Oh, and we al know that the EMO’s are going to be the first to go! They’ll flock headlong into the approaching zombie masses to join in and be “part of the crowd”! Of course it’ll be ‘cool’ to be a moody, moany flesh eater and the style……well, need I say more?!
Hey, maybe with all this extra time on my hands (yeah, cause I’m soooooo busy as it is!) between zombie slayings that I might actually learn to play chess!


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