The Download Saga Episodes 1 & 2

Posted: 07/07/2010 in ravings of a mad woman

The Download Saga Episode 1:

As many of you will know, "The Dude" and I went to Download last week. I decided to keep a sort of journal, not only to help keep me sane but to also help chart the ups and downs of 5 day festival life.
I noticed it was rather long so to save both time and my poor little stubby fingers I thought I’d write it all up in "Episode" form (well it worked for Lucas!)
Day 1- Wednesday:
So here we are at Download 2010. The tent is up, trip back to the car (no, sorry, TRECK! It’s gotta be around a mile from the car to the tent) to collect what we couldn’t carry, or drag, when we got here first of all: done, tea eaten and womanly touches to the tent added. Of course, 2 weeks ago, today seemed so very far away what with money worries and other stresses; But here we are and we’re goning to "’ave it large" as they say. Needless to say the vocal mexican waves have already begun on the otherside of the campsite and just now I heard a cry of "Include me, I’m cool! Honest!" in the form of "Buttscratcha!!" come from almost directly behind us. Alas yes, it’s barely 7pm on day one of five and so far we have the constant catterwalling of tent after tent joining in with the calls of "Buttscratcher", "Timmy" and something about a cripple (possibly involving a fight of some kind) and of course the obligitory "They took our jobs!" to contend with. I had the idea to lean out of our own tent and shout "Your mum!" at the top of my lungs, and surely would have had I not known that even such a small act of defiance would inexplicably grow into a mass hysterical wave of its own and come back to bite me squarely on the ass! I swear I have heard some on the best laughs ever coming from some of our neighbours. The last, and by far the best so far, came from a man roughly 30 yards behind us and up the bank. To be fair, it was the most clearly defined Ha ha haing I have ever had the privilage to overhear. At one point he seemed to even alter his pitch and tone so much on every other ha that he seemed to actually provide his own echo!
Day 2- Thursday.
Day 2 and the Spartans have well and truely marched in to town, swords drawn and calls-a-blazing. They also seemed to bring with them a couple of pairs of idiots with loudhailers shouting movie lines and stupid quotes at eachother from across the campsite. I have not long heard my first "Shut the fuck up!" of the week and I hope it to just be the first of many. One of these idiots seems to keep playing recordings and voice clips from his phone through his loudhailer, along with its own built in (seriously, I haven’t heard such a shit polyphonic ringtone sounding noise in YEARS!) and so I jsut hope that his battery runs out before my patience does! The sun has come out and the near mile long shlep to the village doesn’t seem all that bad today. By saturday I’ll be pissed with it though! At least the sun has come out a bit now and the worst of the mud left over from last nights rain seems to be drying out. We had to hike back to the car earlier today. Dumbass me remembered last night that I’d left my alarm set on my mobile, which I had left in the car for the week. Of course I wasn’t bothered enough about it to go back last night! It also seemed like a good idea to go back to the gates to try and get my wristband tightened up. The dude who put it on when we got here yesterday put the frickin thing on half way up my arm so now it’s starting to feel like it’s slowly working its way off. Turns out they don’t actually care that I migh be able to take it off and give it to someone else. They told me to come back with it if it DOES actually fall off and they’ll replace it for me. The fact that I’m planning on spending all day Saturday in the thick of the crowd (full of pits and all sorts of pushing and shoving) and it might just get LOST! They’ll be in for a whole world of hurt if that happens I swear! We spent most of the day checking out every stall in the village and having a wander into the blue campsite and trying to find a programme for the weekend. We got one for the rape-ingly* good price of just a measly £10! Bloody rip off merchants! I have also been picking up small pieces of metal and things to turn into pieces of kitch to remeber the weekend without having to spend a fortune!
* This is a word we made up purely for Download descriptive perposes
We began compiling a list of stupid quotes the we heard over the weekend, some of which we are now going to be adopting as catchphrases. Here is the first few: (there will be more at the bottom of Episode 2)
"It’s all custard on the bank baby!"
"Oh I can pull your eyebrows from here!"
"Don’t tell him you’re going to rape him, then it won’t be a suprise!"
Download jokes:
When does a knob turn into a c%*^ ?
When you give him a megaphone!

Episode 2:

Day 3- Friday
We awoke this morning to the glorious sounds of the group next to us arguing over, of all things, Jagermiester. The only girl in the group was pissed about the fact that all the guys got drunk last night and they stole some of her Jager. Of course these felons vehemently denied any wrong doing, but we know differently. Last night we had to listen to their drunken antics, and them shouting about their sudden lack of alcohol. Them we heard the magic words: “She’ll never notice.” Obviously there was no way were going to get involved, listening was just so much more fun!
Well it’s Friday and the music begins today. By now there are already far more people with wheelbarrows trudging up the hill and into our field. Stupidly I seem to have forgotten the most basic principle of festival camping, and well, festivals in general: Never join a queue when you already need the loo. The 20 minutes standing in line before its even 10am on FRIDAY was just plain uncomfortable. The influx of new tents is already beginning to cut off all our escape routes. I can almost guarantee that by the time we get back from the arena tonight I WILL break my neck on one tent or another.
Ok, so there was an extra 2 miles ish added to our daily hike by simply putting the main arena on the other side of the racetrack. Quite why they didn’t just open up a path straight across the building site that is the centre of the Donington Park circuit (even complete whit its own water feature!) I’ll never know!
The AC/DC set was truly a sight to behold: Pensioner striptease, big screen boobs and more amazingly embarrassing (or maybe that should actually be embarrassingly amazing) mum dancing than you can shake a rather large inflatable stick at. It was during the AC/DC set that I decided to get myself an ice cream from the van just to the left of us. Now, I knew it was gonna cost me a small fortune for just a simple 99, but I had no idea that I could be so pissed off by the most miserable looking ice cream “salesman” * Now, whoever heard of a ‘medium’ 99? A 99 or double 99. That’s all that was listed on the poor excuse for a price list. Where the fuck did the extra size come into it?! Medium implies that there are at least 2 other size options. Where were these mentioned and why was I not informed of this before?! No sir, I want a 99. The £2.50 bloody ice cream treat LISTED on the side of your van. You’re doing me in the ass over this as it is, please don’t make it any more difficult than it has already become!!!!
* Now whilst I feel the name salesman is actually fitting for such a “profession”, I prefer to think of him as some kind of financial rapist in the guise of a humble provider of ice cold sweet treats.
Day 4- Saturday
Even at 8am you have to queue for half an hour to be able to pee. “The Dude” informed me of yet another fight going on this morning. At around 6am two dudes who were being rather loud were told, in a very disapproving parent type way, and in no uncertain terms to “Shut the fuck up for now is sleepytime”. “Sweet!” was my response and I’m gutted I missed it!
I finally get to see the Deftones today and needless to say I’m going in prepared. “The Dude” bought me an army helmet the other day, at long last, to make up for the fact that I didn’t make it to Sonisphere last summer to remind him to get me one before it was too late, and of course its coming with me! This is one of the only times in my life where I will turn into one of those screaming fans, pushing and shoving her way to the front of the crowd , and I’ll need the helmet for extra protection. Head down and in I go! (We have lovingly named the helmet General Butterworth, and he is now well and truly part of the family.) I’ll let you know how the General and I get on.
Wow that was hard! For the most part it was a brilliant day; getting pretty far forward for Lamb of God, getting all the way to the barrier for Megadeath AND managing to hold my (sorry, our. The Dude actually came in with me and stayed!!) position for Deftones and even getting a low 5 from the 5 Finger Death Punch front man. Teenage dream completed and even managed to get some amazing pictures (thank you my love!). I even felt the need to high 5 the smallest crowd surfer I have ever seen. Seriously this kid was like 10 years old or something! I just wonder how long it took him to find his parents. Unfortunately it all went a bit downhill from there. Rage Against the Machine were 15 minutes late, but at least they seemed to care about their audience. Within the first 30 seconds of their set, some poor girl was pulled out of the crowd and rushed off on a stretcher. They stopped and told everyone to take a step back. To be fair, I have never seen so many people being pulled injured from the crowd. Hardly surprising really considering us poor shmoes at the front had to cope with the weight of a large percentage of some 100,000 strong party force all pushing in the same direction, at the same time. It also didn’t help that a large proportion of those around us were not even in the least bit considerate. Ok, so we were a lot ruder than that about them, but I daren’t repeat the kind of language we were using in something that my grandmothers might read one day! At least when you’re in a crowd of proper metal heads they show you some actual respect and consideration. If you get caught up in a pit and it’s clear that you don’t want to be involved, they safely push you out, or if you end up on your ass they pick you up, dust you off and check you’re ok (you should have seen the size of the two scary looking guys who helped “the Dude” when he got knocked off his feet!!). The Rage crowd, no! The guy next to me was so close to losing an elbow that it wasn’t even funny. I was moving in to bite it clean off when “the Dude” pulled me in front of him for protection. I am in no doubt that I will be paying for all this tomorrow!!
Quotes of the week part 2:
"Thats what Canadian is isn’t it, Canada……"
"Was he in a vacuum?"
"When does a bum feel like an arse?
When he’s lost his big issue money."


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